Distance

You are in Kyoto now. you mentioned that you won't like to go there, but anyway i wish you a nice trip and a good time in the upcoming journeys during your break.

i started to miss you already. you turned your back and walked away that night after we waved. your figure became smaller over seconds, and smaller and smaller. you emerged in the air and disappeared. You have so real a personality but you are also so spiritual that i sometimes cannot imagine that you are a real human being. you are just special, and important.

Am i going to meet you soon? What if i encountered problems and frustrations in life later, can i receive your support? how can i? what excuses should i make in order to see you and meet you? oh please do not go away from me. please don't. i just cannot bear it. i believe we shall meet and be good friends. i believe.

i just damn chicken to give you the already written letter which i spent several hours reading, re-reading and re-reading. but i just have not handed it to your hand. i was thinking about whether that letter would be too serious. it's a temporary break not a life-long one, yes? yes. don't make things too complicated and too serious, yes i should tell myself. i shall write you a letter when i graduate, for that i have a better excuse in doing so. yes.

oh i missed you already. i wish you everything well.

the Closer

oh i did not expect that i could dine with YOU.

you sat at my opposite so that i could look at you quietly. i was completely satisfied. for long i have not had the feeling of being filled, and during that two hours something i tasted it, finally. oh i should thank you, for inviting me and sharing with me those hours. you looked so charm, do you know that? you are so real a flesh and soul! oh what a soul! if only i am a bit like you.

i wish you a wonderful time on your leave, take a nice break, meet friends, refresh your mind and come back. i believe we will meet at some points in life. i believe in it.

Getting Closer

The last day that i am able to see you is just inches away, the day after tomorrow.

i am going to watching you at far. The same situation as ususal. seeing you looking at the screen, looking at the speaker. This time i expect you will be much excited about teh speaker than ever. you knew her well. I expect to see you smile a lot, which is great. I love your smile. I can also see you picking up a red pen, jotting some note, a sentence or two on a paper. can also see you fixing your legs to an interesting pose. This is you. This is the images of you in my eyes, for so many times.

am i able to talk to you after the speech. i know they will have a chance to dine with you, and i? i sometimes want to know what you really think about me, do you think i am special? i am different? like what i think about you? or it is not important indeed, you are my learning model in anyway. am i going to give you a letter? it is good way of expressing my feeling on you? there are questions, questions and, questions. Yet better finish my ZH in the first place and use two hours in dark to think about these questions.

You Are Inside Me

questioning. questioning and, questioning.

two things in my mind at the moment. One is closer, just a few days later. I want to give you a letter that embedded much love, including thank, wishing for your near future and thank and thank. I do not know how many times of thank i should say or write to really thank you. You have done so much for me and on me. How could i give back? in what ways can i give back? i know you do not ask for it, but i promise i at lease work hard and improve to thank you for your love.

Second is a question on future. recently i have tasted a bit more on this field. fun but confusing. One has no voice when one is not on the top, this is the main thing that i notice. The one on the top also is cruel to the lower people in some ways, regardless if it is intended. I have a clear idea of going to the top in order to order, but also have a confusion whether i would become one that i do not like who execute cruelty to others, once i am on the top.

oh if only you are with me all the time. If only we are very close friend so beside admiring you, i can also talk to you freely on whatever topics in whatever ways.

Cooler Than Expected

i mean, you are damn cool.

You always help people in secret? or just me? i do not know that it is you helping me secretly. i am so touched when i noticed that yesterday. how much have you done for me? you do not really let me know that and expect a thank. ho you are that cool. this is how i love you. not only your gestures and presentations but also you personality. oh if only i can be a bit like you.

Thank you. if you i can give you a big hug and say thank you in a closest distance!

I Gave a Hand

i felt so good, as i was your third hand at that particular time yestersday.

"Wow that's so many books." i turned to your back while piping things into my locker. "haha ye." you answered. oh you were returning the books to the library but you definitely had no other hands to open the door, yes. i then followed and saw if you were lucky enough to have someone passed by and gave you a help.

You stood in front of the glass door. looked so lovely trying to pull the door with you rarely surviving fingers. i then rushed to you and gave you a third hand. That's how the magic happened!

oh if only you know how happy i am, just because of this tiny experience shared with you.

Opportunities

I am a damn lucky person.

Sometimes i will ask, am i taking the luck from other people, those who always have bad luck? the world is being so so so good to me. oh i am lucky. thank you.

And i started to have conversations with you. though short, they made my smile for the whole day. my heart was going to bloom everytime i talked to you. i lose my mind when i talked to you. i think i was too concentrated looking at you eyes. i was like a little fan of you, though i do not like to name you as idol. the term 'idol' seems too materialistic, you are not, you do not belong to material, you belong to a faction that deep deep deep into a zone, a unknown, mysterious zone. i love to see you smile. what would be the inner side of you? you have never shown it to us, and to me of course. i want to know you more. but you said you are leaving. why leave? why now? but deep in heart i am glad that you can take a rest and publish a book soon. you are the kind of scholar that i pay my wholehearted respect to.

'you should meet a person.' you said to me. i was surprsed. and extremely happy, as i knew that you have thought about me in another time outside the class. hahaa. i am a lucky person. i have occupied a little little bit of your thoughts in a day. i am a lucky person.

i am planing to write you a letter. yes a letter with letters. i do want to do it. I am questioning myself whether i shall still have a chance to let you know my feeling if i am not writing to you in a short while. you will leave and you will set yourself free from here for a long while. you are going to forget me, i understand. but is it possible to occupy a little bit more of your memories, if you received a letter from me and therefore knew what i felt about you for long?

i am going to write a letter. i know.
there are many words that i cannot let you know face to face. i am too nervous in front of you.
you know what? you are and are going to be very important in my life, though you may not know it at the moment.

Delay

Self-delay is never a fun thing to do.

responsibility. time management. your expectation.

that day i talked to you that i could not meet the deadline. and you, you answered very calmly, "It's fine." why? you have never expected something from me? Now i could not meet your expectation, but you were just as cool as usual. i was sad. but i should be, indeed, happy, for this could erase my guilty. But i wish you could feel a tad unfine. At least this meant that you are caring about me.

Non-stop Train

Works are still going. I got on an non-stop train.

i seemed to know why i made the move and what my destination would be. but it is teh unknown stations inbetween that is killing me slowly at the moment. i am figuring them out. Damn it is a hard work. if only i had so brilliant a mind like you.

you seemed a bit exhausted today. hope you are alright. take care.

2 Coffee N Cup of Tea

I started to know how you feel, by taking too much caffeine in a time.

eyes are wide opened. muscles are in a slight pain. skins are dry. spirit, however, is still there.
haha. this is how you maintain your energy everyday, yes? i have not told you, but wish to steal your coffee and put a cup of hot tea on your desk. for real. please take care.

i wish i could go to sleep, but who else can finish the work for me.

In Front of My Lemon Tea

Yesterday you stood in front of me.

oh what a great great time to chat. i am mentally not that satisfied with the studies. not in the sense of learning though. It is all to do with the kind of solitary. isolation between us and you all who we have long been admiring. so what a gathering yesterday! oh! i hope we could do the same thing every single day. simple chat. eye contact. smile. relaxing atmosphere.

very very glad that you came to us and talk. It was nice to hear your voice just tens of centermeters away. you casted your shadow on my lemon tea. it looked special and unique after that. thank you.

you asked me the questions that i also want to ask myself. What are you going to do in the future? Do you have a plan?

i do not know, where i am heading. I am even sorry for myself.

if only i could keep in contact with you after you leave. A told me that you are going to take a leave in the next semester. damn. that means i cannot see you? oh why. if only i could know you more. is there any more chances? may i have a picnic with you? sometimes i think the love from admiration is even more powerful than the love from Love.

oh knew a news, which i am looking forward to. a islamic art course newly opens next semester. great stuff. you said you are completely open and asked how we would like to learn. and most important, your passion. oh how wonderful is this department. every you love what you have been teaching. the most wonderful gift for us. thank you. a suggestion: is it possible that we remove all the chair in 239, and lie on the floor and project images to the celling? free from constraint in physical body means a free mind.

Inspiration From Paul Gauguin

Decided to start my writing from today onwards. Do not know how long i could keep it. a week? a month? or? Anyway, the last day of October, maybe it is a good day.

Paul Gauguin, Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?, 1897, oil on canvas, Boston Museum of Fine Arts, Boston, MA, USA

This picture of Paul Gauguin not only inspired me to start a heading with "what are we doing? where are we heading?" in this virtual space, but also reminded me of her lecture just a few days ago.

Cannot help keep thinking of her. Damn. It is admiration, i know. Everytime she brings me brand new perspectives to see the world. how brilliant the comparisons she did on the last lecture! how intense her speaking was! just a meter in front of me, i can feel it. i can feel her turned completely inward when she was speaking for her own argument. nothing would be more charming or shining than one intensely expressing one's thoughts. i should be like her in my next presentations.

[i almost achieved this in my presentations on Thomas Jefferson's Monticello and Christo and Jeanne-Claude's wrappings last semester, which i was satisfied. but the presentation i did last week was a shit. i was exhausted in that late afternoon and could not fully concentrate on it, which i regreted.]

everytime after her lecture i discovered that i knew so little. oh what are you made of ? can i become as good as you do? Do i have the potential to become good? i have to work very hard and be the shining one so that you may notice my existence or you may even be interested in me, though you may not know my very admiration of you.